"What are you?"
“What are you?”
“A Forerunner.”
“That’s right. And what else?”
“I’m a man of God.”
“Man of God, loved by God.”
Imagine for a minute what might have been taking place when this exchange was said. Are you picturing a rally cry of enthusiastic daily affirmation? A quick exchange of joyful intentionality as a kid is being welcomed to program? Are you picturing this being the hallmark moment of the day where a kid says perfectly scripted lines while you swing on the playground and talk about life?
What a picturesque moment!
But in reality, that's not what was happening.
Visualize this instead. A kid gets on the van to come to program. He gets annoyed with the kid sitting next to him, so he shoves him. The van driver has to pull over and separate the two kids who are now fighting. Two minutes into the day, and he’s already in trouble. Now he’s angry.
When he gets to program, he’s disrespectful to his coach. He bullies the new kid. He tells a lie. So while everyone else is going out to recess, he’s sitting with me, talking about expectations and consequences.
And at the end of our conversation, that exchange was said.
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I made the decision at the beginning of this year that every time I have a discipline conversation with a kid in my program, I will end it by asking them that first question - “What are you?”
You might be thinking, “Well, that kid wasn’t acting like a Man of God…” and you’re not wrong. But think of your own life.
When do you need your spouse to affirm their love for you more? On the day that you put Nicholas Sparks to shame or on the day that you needed to ask for forgiveness? Do you need your best friend to have a “Hey - that’s not who you are. This is who you are.” conversation with you on a day that you’re killing it in every single way or when you haven’t been acting like yourself lately? Is it more healing to hear that you have an identity and a purpose as a Man or Woman of God more when you are doing all the right things...or when you’ve really messed up? When do you need to be reminded that you are loved and believed in the most?
There’s a lot of discipline strategies out there, and I am definitely not an expert in any of them, but this is what I’ve come to understand about behavior.
The behavior will not change until the belief does. If a kid believes that he is a bully, he will behave as a bully. If a kid believes that he is a leader, he will behave as a leader.
If you want your mentee to be a Man of God, he needs to know that you believe he is one long before he ever starts to prove it in action.
Discipline matters. Have the hard conversations. Give them the call up. Set the expectation and follow through on the consequences. But at the end of that conversation, don’t let your mentee leave wondering what you think about them. Make it clear. Help them believe it for themselves.
“Man of God. Loved by God.”