The Father Wound

“Tell me about your father.”

Your father is the most important person in your life. Ask a person about his father and you are going to receive an outpouring of emotion. For some people, thoughts of their father bring warmth and happiness. For others, thoughts of their father bring anger and hurt. Your dad is the first man in your life and carries the key to a young man’s heart. 
 

“Do I have what it takes?”

Whenever a young man is abandoned by his father, something is created inside them that we call the “Father Wound”. The Father Wound is what happens when the part of a young man’s heart that yearns for love, acceptance, and affirmation is never filled up by your father. For one reason or another, your father was never around to tell you “You are mine”, “You have what it takes”, and “You belong here”. This hurts. This is the father wound. 

“I don’t need help. I am on my own.”

When the father who was supposed to fill up your emotional tank isn’t around to do that, you are left with a young man with a broken heart. The young man has a void in his heart from this abandonment. He will spend the rest of his life trying to fill this void. Because of this wound, the young man usually:

• Is angry for being abandoned

• Has no self-confidence because no one has ever affirmed him in his masculinity.

• Is starving for attention and acceptance because he doesn’t get it from his dad.

This boy wants to be a man, but he has no one around to show him how to be one. If dad isn’t around to show you how to be a man, who will show you how to be a man? The boy turns to this world to be accepted and affirmed into his manhood. We call this “False Masculinity”. 

False Masculinity

The world is a very dangerous place to learn how to become a man. This world will tell you that a real man is someone who:

• Has athletic ability. Somehow, if you can shoot a basketball, crush a baseball, or catch a football, you are immediately elevated to being a little more masculine. And the kids who can’t do those things, they get deflated and pushed to the side.

• Has sexual conquests. Sex becomes something that validates manhood and maturation. If you can manipulate and use girls for your own pleasure, somehow you are rewarded with being a “real man”.

• Economic success. Later on in life, your worth as a man depends on your job title, your bank account, and the things that you own. The concepts of power and possessions tells us if we are a “real man” or not, and those that have the most are deemed in America as being manly.

Taken from the book "Season of Life" by Jeffrey Marx, we call this “from the ball field to the bedroom to the billfold”. And no matter how much you make, no matter how far you go in life, those things will never heal your wound or tell you who you are.